My Divorce Story Part 1
When a marriage breaks down and falls apart the entire family unit suffers. We know this. Even with the best intentions things can get ugly. I’ve been there. Not because I wanted it to get ugly or that I didn’t care. I made the wrong decision to marry someone who I wasn’t in love with. I cared about him but I was not in love and there was no emotional connection. I was 19 and pregnant.
At the time, many of my friends from high school were planning on getting married and the romance of getting married enticed me but not for the right reason. We planned a quick small family wedding and one week before I tried to back out. He cried and said he didn’t want to be a visiting Father. I caved because I felt bad but he didn’t say, “I love you.” He never told me this and I didn’t tell him that either. I felt bad so I went through with the wedding. 6 months later we had our first child together. I was miserable.
14 years later in the year 2000, we had 4 kids together and I was not any better. We brought our kids to church every Sunday. Got involved, helped in children’s church, greeted members at the door, helped any way we could. We got along most of the time but there was no emotional connection. No real communication other than what was absolutely necessary. We focused on the kids and one day I woke up and said, “I can’t do this anymore.” The reason I woke up is my sister in law called me and told me my brother cheated on her. She cried like a baby because she loved him so much and was devastated. All I could think of was, if that happened to me, I would NOT be so upset…So
I suggested my husband and I go to counseling at church. We began going and I was so excited to get my feelings out there since we didn’t really talk much. After a few sessions, I finally said, “I don’t love you. I care about you. You are a good Dad and you work hard but I don’t know how to fix how I feel.” The counselor suggested we separate for a period of time. I actually went to my sister’s house to stay with her and I would come to the house every morning to bring our 3 year old son to church daycare who did not charge us at all, and get the girls off to school.
One day shortly after I moved out, I went to the house and he was gone. He left to go live with his mom in NY. He abandoned his kids knowing I was not living there. I came back immediately since the kids were alone. That was the beginning of the very bitter end. He gave up and rightly so. He should not have left without telling me but I was relieved it was over. I just wasn’t prepared for what would come…
A few months prior to him leaving I had just signed a lease to rent a salon room inside a tanning salon so I could do nails. I wasn’t making enough profit to pay for food, never mind the mortgage, car and other bills. We also owned a row home in Philadelphia that we were renting out. One day shortly after he left, I came home to a broken front door glass window. He couldn’t get in since I changed the locks so he broke in.
The kids weren’t home yet so I went to the neighbors to check if they saw anything. She told me she saw my EX leaving with my clothes from the closet still on hangers. I ran back into the house and saw many of my belongings were gone. When I called him, he said that I would never find anyone to love me with our 4 kids living with us. He wasn’t bringing my things back to me. He took the rent check we got in the mail from our tenant in Philly and used it for himself not even caring if our kids had food.
We lost that house and the one in Philly within a few months. I eventually got child support through the court system but it was too late and we moved out after I got a regular job.
It wasn’t until he met a woman and moved back to PA that he wanted to regularly see the kids. I was happy about that. I thought that my oldest daughter age 14 would be able to care for her 3 year old brother every day during the summer since I couldn’t afford daycare. I Didn’t know about applying for help back then for that. Big mistake! She wasn’t ready in any way shape or form and that was my fault but I was so desperate to work so we wouldn’t be homeless.
I’m sharing the beginning of our story so that you would understand what we had to overcome. I met my husband Eric the same month I had to move me and the kids out of our home and into an apartment. Within 3 months Eric moved in and literally “saved’ us from being homeless. The stress was so unbearable but I had to bare it. Right before Eric moved in at the end of the summer, my 3 young teenage daughters were so miserable and blew my phone bill up to hundreds of dollars, ran away, left the house in the middle of the night without me knowing, had parties at home while I was at work, accidentally started a fire in the kitchen while hanging out on the street all while I was working. This was, of course, a normal reaction that I would expect from most kids who endured abandonment from a parent, separation of parents and uprooting from their home to a new state and school. It didn’t make it any easier at the time but i understood some of it.
To this very day, my 3 oldest daughters are in their 30’s and there is some friction still there between us. I love my daughters. What happened between us began with the actions of their Dad. Sometimes life kicks you in the pants and knocks you out for a bit. I truly struggled spiritually back then and I tried so hard to keep things afloat. In these types of situations, all we can do is take one day a time and pray a lot! When he first left, I thought my daughters and I would work together and we would get through it as gracefully as possible. That did not happen. My Ex clearly wanted to make it difficult for us and I forgive him now. He lied to them about me and it brought major distance between me and the girls because at the time, they didn’t believe he would lie about me. He had to be telling the truth right? No, but I am trusting God to heal my relationship with my daughters.
