My Divorce Story-Part 2
Coparenting is when parents who have separated or divorced continue to work together to raise their child or children. This may require a lot of communication, teamwork, and problem solving, but is worth it if it means increased stability for the child or children.
I am sharing my experience because it was so difficult and we learned so much from it. Things have truly improved over the years mostly because I forgave my Ex. My EX left me and our 4 kids to move in with his mother in NY while we lived in our home in PA and did not tell me he was leaving. Previously, we were part of a large church in Allentown, Pa. As I explained in Part 1 of the story, we went through marriage counseling at this church for months. My big issue was I was willing to stay with him but I just never loved him and there was no emotional connection. I got married to him at the age of 19 because I got pregnant and always knew that I should not have married him just because of my pregnancy. Through counseling I was comfortable enough to share with the counselor in front of him that I didn’t love him. It was at that point he decided to move out but I didn’t know he was leaving. He just left.
There was no coparenting being done by him at this time. He had a girlfriend after about a year and started demanding to see his kids again after we had lost the house and were living in a rented apartment in NJ near my new job. No problem. Come and get them. They miss you. My 3 oldest daughters were very young teens and pre teens who really missed their Dad and were apparently mad at me that their father had left them. I agreed to let them live with their Dad back in Pa again. My son who was only 4 stayed with me. By then I met my then boyfriend and now husband Eric who had moved in with me and Ben. Long story short…Eric and I left NJ together and moved back to PA near where my daughters were living with their Dad. Lot’s of back and forth due to their Dad leaving us, losing the home and then he wanted the girls who he abandoned to now live with him and his new girlfriend. OK. Now I had to pay him child support, but not for long.
Right after we moved back to Pa into a log home that our landlord knew only my son lived with us, I received a call from my Ex telling me our oldest daughter was fighting alot in school so he decided to put her in a teen homeless shelter! I was outraged. Eric and I went to pick her up immediately. She moved back in with us.
Shortly after that, he dropped our other 2 daughters off without letting us know he was even coming. We of course let them in and now the landlord was not happy. We needed to move into a larger home and the landlord took us to court to get his money which we didn’t have and we filed bankruptcy.
Eric and I decided to get married in December 2002 and few months later our oldest ran away. Gone for months. We reported her missing and had no idea where she went. We tried calling her friends and father. No idea where she was. She was listed missing on the milk cartons. After a few months we did receive a call from her asking us to come get her in NY. We both took off work and went to get her and bring her home.
My youngest daughter called me a bitch one day when I asked her if she had done her homework. I told her to get in the car and I dropped her off at her dads home. Biggest mistake of my life. The stress was so unbearable at that moment. I noticed that my daughters were angry at me all the time. My middle daughter went to NY to try and live with my cousin but ended up moving back. There lives were so ripped apart and their father was apparently telling them some really crazy lies about me so they wouldn’t be angry at him.
About a year later, my Ex finds a woman he wants to marry and things had calmed down a bit by then so we were happy for him. My Ex insisted that we share custody of Ben who was now 7 or 8 years old. By then we had moved again into another home rental closer to the girls.
He was now enrolled in an elementary school a few blocks away when he took me to court to get split custody. After much prayer, I agreed to it in court. I wanted to coparent with my Ex. I wanted my son to be a part of his life regularly and so I agreed. Of course, I didn’t even think to ask my son what he thought of the idea. While on our way to drop him off to stay with his dad for the week I told him and he cried his eyes out. OMG. What an idiot I was! I didn’t even warn him or ask him what he thought. He told me he didn’t want to do it but it was too late. I already agreed in court. Guess what happened next?? A couple of weeks later, I went to pick him up from school. He wasn’t there. I went into the office and they told me Bens father signed him out of the school to enroll him in the public school closer to him. Here I am trying to work together with my Ex by agreeing to 50/50 custody and he does this?? Off to court again and he lost custody of Benjamin. No this is not the end of the story…but the moral of the story here is that I did make mistakes with decisions regarding my daughters, but I also tried so hard to do the right thing for Ben and his father. Sometimes, no matter how hard you may try to do right if the other person doesn’t want to work together with you, it’s not your fault.
There are so many details that I have not included here. I really just wanted to share here about my difficult experiences. I tried. I really did. I haven’t yet shared how amazing my husband Eric was through it all. He is and was a good step father back in the beginning. I’ll share that another day…I didn’t even share the 2 times my EX had me arrested. That will be in my next post. Buckle up.
